Many psychologists will point to experiencing failure as a
valuable step in the journey to success. It’s a critical learning tool, because
it forces you to dig into your own reservoir of grit. It tests your
perseverance and ultimately can make you stronger. “Failure really can be an
asset if we are trying to improve, learn or do something new. It’s the feature
that precedes nearly all successes. There’s nothing shameful about being wrong,
about changing course. Each time it happens, we have new options. Problems
become opportunities.
Mastery, of course, comes after getting really good at
something. The more time you put in, the more adept you feel, and ultimately,
the more confident you become. So taking action is the first step to becoming
confident. And if at first you fail, well, know that you’re in good company and
success is around the corner.
Confidence comes from a very authentic place, a very whole
place, You believe in your abilities to do something. You show up in a very
secure way. Cockiness is not authentic. It’s based in insecurity. It’s more
about making other people think you’re confident as opposed to being confident.
You’re more confident than you think. Just consider this: Making
everyday decisions, such as what to eat for lunch or what to text your mom,
requires a low level of confidence. Every day we make hundreds of
decisions, almost unconsciously, that require basic confidence, Boost your
confidence by reminding yourself of all the successful small decisions you make
on a daily basis.
A whole new branch of psychology is dedicated to mindfulness,
but it boils down to this: Negative thoughts and insecurities pop up
like pimples. And, like pimples, picking at them—even if you mean to discredit
and burst that negative bubble—ultimately makes it worse. So, mindfulness
practice teaches you to treat thoughts as tools. Use and strengthen the ones
you need; discard the ones you don’t.
It’s normal to be a confident athlete but decidedly unconfident
when it comes to public speaking. Or maybe you’re sure of yourself at work but
self-conscious in social situations. That’s OK. You don’t have to be confident
with everything. In fact, people who act sure of themselves in all situations
are probably either faking it or overestimating their abilities. Being secure
in your innate worth as a person, even if you’re terrible at tennis or shy at
parties, is what matters. True confidence is an “honest, appreciative opinion”
of yourself that accounts for your strengths and weaknesses.
So how does that translate to happiness ? People who believe in
their innate worth “strive for excellence with less pressure or fear of
failure, since coming up short of a goal does not diminish who they are as a
person,. When you aren’t afraid of failure, you try more new things and pursue
more goals than people who are.
To become receptive to new ideas, you must first get
positive. From this place, you can begin repeating your desired characteristics
in your mind, or aloud like a mantra.
Start telling a lie over and over and over again. And then one
day the lie is true.” Initially circumstances may not reflect what is being
said, and that’s how it’s going to be when you start doing this kind of work.
You have to live in that faith. You have to believe it and know it. There has
to be a certainty behind the beautiful lies you keep repeating to yourself
every day, the ones about what you want your life to be.
If your confidence is down, you might beat yourself up for not
being stronger, for the role you played in the toxic situation, or for choosing
a relationship with someone who hurt you. Aim to understand the roots of your
actions and forgive yourself. It’s only human.
The best way you can pinpoint positive role models is to think
about the people you know who embody positive behaviors. These are people who
are credible, accountable and service-oriented, who have solid
character and seem trustworthy.
Once you identify the people in your own life who exhibit spark
behavior, you have to develop and nurture these relationships. Engage the
people you admire and respect on a consistent basis, whether through
conversations over coffee or ongoing email exchanges. One colleague of ours
makes it a point to schedule two lunches each month with different people she
admires. Her conversations with them don’t hsve an agenda; this is simply her
way of maintaining the relationships she’s worked so hard to build.
Finally, we have to be open to input. If our role models are
challenging us, that’s a great thing. We need to get uncomfortable in order to
develop. Remember, no matter how much we want it, change isn’t easy. But it can
be made easier by a focused effort to develop our confidence.
Before they were considered legends, our highly regarded history
makers experienced failure. Study failure in addition to success and
realize that the victory of even our most iconic influencers was built upon
their conviction to continue after falling short of perfection.
·
Albert Einstein: Slow
to speak and read, Einstein’s parents thought he was “sub-normal,” and one of
his teachers described him as “mentally slow, unsociable and adrift forever in
foolish dreams.” It took Einstein nine years after graduating college to obtain
a position in academia.
·
Babe Ruth: Ruth chewed tobacco
and drank whiskey by the time he was 8 years old. The first time Ruth led the
American League in home runs in 1918, he also led the league in strikeouts.
·
The Wright brothers: The
brothers crashed their first two airplane creations before making more than 700
successful flights with their third glider.
·
Beyoncé: When scandal erupted
after the original Destiny’s Child members were ousted from the group, the
remaining group members harnessed the public shame to catapult themselves to
success by penning the award-winning song “Survivor.” Beyoncé is now a
household name with a cult-like following (Hello Beyhive!).
Research conducted at the University of California in San
Francisco shows that the more difficulty you have saying no, the more likely
you are to experience stress, burnout and even depression. Confident people
know that saying no is healthy, and they have the self-esteem to make
their no’s clear. When it’s time to say no, confident people avoid phrases such
as “I don’t think I can” or “I’m not certain.” They say no with confidence
because they know saying no to a new commitment honors their existing commitments
and gives them the opportunity to successfully fulfill them.
Our memory does not store information exactly as it’s presented
to us. Instead we extract the gist of the experience and store it in ways that
makes the most sense to us. That’s why different people witnessing the same
event often have different versions.
Your brain has a built-in confirmation bias. That means it stores
information that is consistent with your own beliefs, values and
self-image. This selective memory system helps keep the brain from getting
overloaded with too much information.
So recognize that your memory does not always provide you with
accurate information. For example if you have low self-esteem, your brain tends
to store information that confirms your lack of confidence. That will be all
you remember about a specific event.
How to make it work for you: Revisit the facts of a memory
loaded with self-limiting beliefs and try to gain a more accurate perspective
on the event. Talk with others that might have a different perspective.
12. Walk the walk.
Body language has long been noted for its relative importance to
what is actually said—and the body language of confidence has its own gestural
dialect. Studies back up the idea that using your hands to reinforce what
you're saying will give a firmer impression of your competence. On the
flipside, keep your hands together while listening to avoid unconscious
fidgeting. Maintaining eye contact while talking and listening makes you appear
both trustworthy and decisive.
We all have those days. You’re just not feeling it. Your boss
gave you less-than-positive feedback on the proposal you spent months writing,
you lost a bid on a huge account, and your lucky meeting shirt has a huge
stain. Those days leave you feeling unproductive, unmotivated and unsure
of your next move.
Sometimes all you need is a jam to pick you up out of your rut.
Start with this playlist—we’ve mixed a little new with a little old, some
upbeat tunes with some smooth jams.
It’s another way to gain perspective after a setback. After
dealing with a layoff, divorce and debt, the single mother knew she had to make
some changes in her life if she wanted to see improvement. She not only
invested in herself through online business and coaching courses, but also did
daily practices, which helped her turn things around from $0 to half a million
in revenue.
She says, “One of the first practices I committed to was doing
daily gratitude. It's really simple and it's a great
starting point for anyone who wants to start attracting more abundance in their
lives. Every night, I would reflect on all of the amazing things that I
experienced in my life. From running water to a compliment from a friend to
getting a new client. Gratitude allows you to focus on the positive things in
life—a lot of things we take for granted—and put you in a positive, high
vibe.”
15. Use humor.
On the humorous side, remember your inner Stuart Smalley
from Saturday Night Live. He said, “I’m good enough. I’m smart
enough. And, doggone it, people like me!” While a silly reference, it reminds
people of a simple mantra: Of course, you can do this. Of course, you
are going to get it right. Of course, you are good at this.
Each of us has a unique mark to make on the world, and when we
are caught up comparing ourselves to others, it only leaves us feeling less
than or not enough in some way and diminishes our
capacity to make the impact we alone can make.
The fact is, most of your comparisons are unfair because you
have a tendency to compare…
·
Your weaknesses to others’ strengths
·
Your insides to others’ outsides
·
Where you are now starting out against someone who’s been in the
game far longer
Perception is key in such situations, so I ask myself, What
is it about the situation that might seem intimidating? Our mind
creates our experiences, and when we are oblivious, it will do so based on past
experiences, which can result in fear-based predictions that aren’t real. We
have the power to create the experience and choose to overcome
fear by shifting our perception of situations. We can view situations that
might seem intimidating as ones that will lead to further growth and ultimately
success.
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